Six months ago, I wrote this to those whom I lived out the gospel with— today I leave this here for no reason other than the truth that is; this changes everything.

In recent months, everything has changed.

Not that I have been reached out to but I do not dismiss personal conviction if you've felt what I am about to say has already been heavy on your heart— I see you. I thank you for thinking of me, praying for me, and uplifting me.

I’ve thought of countless ways to start this off, yet none of them feel appropriate to introduce this next thought. I honestly can not believe I would ever be sitting down to write what I would call such a blasphemous [a lack of reverential awe toward God] account. As I'm sure for you as this is for me, you're confused right now. As unconventional as this may seem and as hard as this to read, know this is me being wholly honest and as direct as I can be. This is the first step for me– honesty. I have thought so carefully about how to deliver this message. May I begin with the extremities (because a letter like this calls for a disclaimer). I am safe, unharmed, and mentally sound. No crazy life altering events or traumatic experiences have led me here. Just my everyday choices and experiences that I take ownership of. As this will be heartbreaking or hypocritical or maybe a little bit of both, here it goes.

It is with deep consideration and a heavy heart that I share with you— I have decided to now live independently from the Christian faith I have so delightfully walked in since eleven years old. To live outside of the "certainty in the uncertainty". To exist in a place in time where I do not deem my heart deceitful and my mind quenched for wisdom from above.

As the shock and concern starts to rise, I ask of you one thing– remember me. The Mare you know who has walked alongside you. Who has knelt down in the pockets of your homes and has worshipped alongside you. Prayed and served alongside you. I am with you as you read, please believe that.

Everything has changed. I say this because as I once professed, “with Jesus everything changes from the inside out” and what comes with this choice well, is everything. My community, my habits, my support, and most significantly my identity. I will start with putting some context to the quote you just previously read. For the last four years, which is the length of time I would deem myself as a devout Christian, I have lived by what this quote has summarized to be “a fool for the sake of eternity”. That my life may appear foolish to the world— for greater reward in Heaven and God’s provision & blessing here on Earth. Through biblical instruction, the ethics of Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit’s divine intervention. In order to make sense of these concepts in its entirety– we can agree it takes a mutual understanding and surrender to who and what the Trinity, Creation, and the Great Commission is and how they coincide under the authority of God Almighty. For me to begin to articulate this decision I've made in a manner that simultaneously agrees those concepts exist whilst believing they are no longer fundamental to a fulfilling life– begs the question, “Have you ever really been convinced?” Convinced of the power of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. “A gift so great its only ask of us is our willingness.”

The questions I’ve asked myself hundreds of times: “If something this powerful and life-giving was working in your life, why would you walk away? You can’t walk away from God! Him being redeeming and merciful in nature, his grip on you is sealed by the blood of Jesus Christ. What isolated you to the brink of destruction?” This may seem like a “once saved, always saved but a fruitful life will be the evidence” conversation. The conversation that you all know is near to me and my testimony. This is not that.

There is no way to possibly express all of my reasoning, emotion, or essence of this decision in a body of text or even a sit down conversation. What I hope to communicate in this letter is not Mare dissecting all of what she feels or thinks she knows at this point in time or even what led her to make this choice, but an owed explanation To All of Those Whom I Love. Who I wholeheartedly believe deserve to be informed not just with where i’m at but with what life looks like moving onward. Not as a “former Christian” or “once a Christian” but as a sister, daughter, and friend. That had once felt so transformed by the power of Jesus Christ— reevaluating her life to live honestly, faithfully, and joyously.

Now, I know you will never see me as complete without Jesus. “Apart from Him—I am nothing“. Recently as I have “experienced" life outside of the fold of Christianity I understand some of you (including myself not too long ago) believe I am in a season where my heart is hardened to hear and accept the truth. Please do not mistake my apathy toward God for licentiousness [an act of the flesh]. This is not a matter of whether Jesus Christ, the Bible, or God is real or true. It boils down to participation. Romans 9 comes to mind.

I didn’t wake up one morning and suddenly not believe or stop caring. The eternal lens in which I viewed the world slowly started to crack, in all my efforts and attempts to pray continuously until it started to mend– no longer excited me. I had a hard time delighting in what was “keeping myself unstained from the world”. People, places, and things I loved. That when described to God in my quiet time would be people, places, and things I’d hope nothing more than to give up to him for his glory and my good. As the lens that separated heaven and earth started to crack more and more, everything about the world that was once repellant to me– was actually just the life that I had been living. The guardrails around the people, places, and things I loved but could not invite in— became more costly to a life well lived (yes, in the present) than the “costly” life where I picked up my cross and denied myself.

As I grieve I've come to realize at the very end of the day, we all will do what works best for us. I apologize for the past few months of silence where enthusiasm toward God has been inactive as I’ve navigated this all. The love I've learned and have been touched by through the Church and my experiences with you I will never forget or mask. I will miss it all so dearly. In time I hope to develop a friendship with you (in the confines of your beliefs) where the inevitable distance doesn't mean a goodbye. May we still share moments together, big or small. I understand that living a life in obedience to God is conducive to many things like pruning dead branches, because I’ve done just that. Even when it means not supporting those who live lives they believe they don’t need saving from.

I think of all the times I’ve felt the spiritual high, the intercession, the “not on my own willpower” moments and I find so much gratitude that lies within them. Though all of those moments are explainable to me now I commend all of my best days to being spent with you– in community. Feeling totally abandoned to the childlike faith we shared together sold out for the Gospel. My heart breaks for the future of my relationships with my closest brothers and sisters. Without the sole reliance on the Lord to be my comfort and peace please know I am OK. My admiration for those who do is vast and deep. As that was once my greatest desire, to be in an unshakeable pursuit of Jesus counting all a loss in comparison. This decision has given me a subtle appreciation for all I’ve “tasted and seen”. This is a closed chapter in the story book that is my life though so much of it will carry on with me and I'm sure oftentimes my first defense. A very humane reactivity that doesn't need to be justified or compartmentalized, just lived in.

This may land differently with each of you and I love you wherever you’re at. If me right now, the BEST most happy version of myself, misses the mark and disqualifies me from all love, good and true— then the difference between you and I isn’t what is common and what is Holy but the way in which we measure our cup that overflows. I had to get real honest with myself and I would be a fool to live for the sake of others.

I hope to talk soon.